Yes. I have finally officially graduated from the MSc in Economics. Yesterday the results arrived. I was expecting some sort of diploma, not just the grades. But anyways, right from the start this Masters proved to be completely different from what I had expected. And it continued to be like that all the way to the end.
My dissertation wasn’t as good as I expected. During these months I have thought several times about the many ways I could have improved it, especially by adding several tests I could have run to make my results a bit stronger. Even if I was satisfied with the results, when I handed it in, little by little this confidence faded. However there still was this tiny bit of hope that I would get a distinction for it, that at the very end, I would prove them that I was good enough for the challenge. Well, just another false hope.
I have had a lot of time to think about this whole experience and I must accept I have not completely recovered. Isn’t it taking way too long for me to heal? During these days I have made a balance about this and I feel weakened, totally drained. The whole process was a very painful way of coming to terms with adulthood, and leaving behind all my past traumas. Every single experience related to the Masters is connected with something in my past, with some dark spot of my personality.
Because of the deepness of these feelings, this weakness and sadness has permeated to every single facet of my life, and it has affected me right to the core. There was a moment I could not face my friends regarding my results, I am now unsure about economics, and my whole career future seems blurry. My boyfriend has told me he’s kind of tired of coping with someone as depressive as me, and I do not longer feel sure about my new job… don’t seem to like it enough, because sometimes it feels more like I’m the “Executive Assistant” of my boss than a proper researcher.
I stick to my view that this MSc was a disaster and the worst mistake of my life. At first, I had thought it was only an “academic mistake”, but it has brought more bad things than good things to my life as a whole. I completely regret pursuing it. What has changed is that I’m tired of being sad, I’m tired of not being able to see the good things of my life, especially now that I’m about to lose the only thing that used to brighten it. I must get over this. Somehow.
This is my only new-year resolution.
Thanks for your comment Giles. I agree with you I should separate a bit more my personal life from my professional life... 货架
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货架公司< Sunday, August 6th 2006 @ 11:56 PM
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