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Friday, December 31st 2004

2:49 PM

The results have arrived with a new-year resolution

Yes. I have finally officially graduated from the MSc in Economics. Yesterday the results arrived. I was expecting some sort of diploma, not just the grades. But anyways, right from the start this Masters proved to be completely different from what I had expected. And it continued to be like that all the way to the end.

My dissertation wasn’t as good as I expected. During these months I have thought several times about the many ways I could have improved it, especially by adding several tests I could have run to make my results a bit stronger. Even if I was satisfied with the results, when I handed it in, little by little this confidence faded. However there still was this tiny bit of hope that I would get a distinction for it, that at the very end, I would prove them that I was good enough for the challenge. Well, just another false hope.

I have had a lot of time to think about this whole experience and I must accept I have not completely recovered. Isn’t it taking way too long for me to heal? During these days I have made a balance about this and I feel weakened, totally drained. The whole process was a very painful way of coming to terms with adulthood, and leaving behind all my past traumas. Every single experience related to the Masters is connected with something in my past, with some dark spot of my personality.

Because of the deepness of these feelings, this weakness and sadness has permeated to every single facet of my life, and it has affected me right to the core. There was a moment I could not face my friends regarding my results, I am now unsure about economics, and my whole career future seems blurry. My boyfriend has told me he’s kind of tired of coping with someone as depressive as me, and I do not longer feel sure about my new job… don’t seem to like it enough, because sometimes it feels more like I’m the “Executive Assistant” of my boss than a proper researcher.

I stick to my view that this MSc was a disaster and the worst mistake of my life. At first, I had thought it was only an “academic mistake”, but it has brought more bad things than good things to my life as a whole. I completely regret pursuing it. What has changed is that I’m tired of being sad, I’m tired of not being able to see the good things of my life, especially now that I’m about to lose the only thing that used to brighten it. I must get over this. Somehow.

This is my only new-year resolution.

 

 

 

 

466 among the flock.

Posted by Giles:

First of all, I think that you need to seperate you economic life from your personal life. Remember, Adam Smith wrote two books - wealth of nations and theory of moral sentiments.

You've succeded in your first book - you've got your masters. Feel proud of that.

But remember it inhabits a different world from your moral sentiments; the two are not directly connected.

You've got to use different ideas to succeed in the moral world but you can use the acheivements you gained in one to succed in the other.

Bank you masters - been there done it mate - and use it to motivate and concentrate your succes in the other book.
;)
Friday, December 31st 2004 @ 10:33 PM

Posted by Leda Swan:

Thanks for your comment Giles. I agree with you I should separate a bit more my personal life from my professional life...

One of the reasons I took this job is because I considered it less stressful and absorbing than the other options I had, so I could concentrate in me. This because of what I learnt from the masters. From today I'm officially single so that will give me even more time to focus on getting better. I guess I needed it.
Sunday, January 2nd 2005 @ 9:57 PM

Posted by hedwig_the_owl:

Hello Leda,

I am very sorry to read that your boyfriend left you! The same thing happened to me when I finished my PhD (except he threw me out of our apartment because he wanted me to "quit school and get a real job, or else ..."). I think this is more a reflection of how our society (and our men) devalues independent women with an education and how men in general. Having a career is hard work and takes much thought and, unlike a job, a career is something that we take home with us! Your degree provides you with the key to open doors that would previously remain closed to you .. it is up to you which doors you choose to open. Do something nice for yourself every day until your heart heals.
Monday, January 3rd 2005 @ 10:03 AM

Posted by hedwig_the_owl:

oops, part of my comments were mysteriously cut off up there. I meant to say that "I think this is a refelction of how our society (and our men) devalues independent women with an education and how men in general don't know how to be supportive when "their woman" has a career that demands as much as theirs does. "
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Posted by blurry:

I think you cannot blame the masters for all your problems in your life, it's the easy way but not the best and maybe not the most succesful. I agree with Giles about being proud about your masters.

PD: It's a shame your valuable experiences are deviated to give femminist comments...
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