Friday, September 17th 2004

4:15 PM

Failure and Success

Score (Ecs vs Others): Today, more than ever, we have a tie

Failure: I had my last meeting with my supervisor today; as I had immagined, he hadn't read my dissertation, so in the end he just skimmed it with me, whilst I was giving my point of view about it. No many comments (which were basically related to the style) so I believe I will finally be over today. Thank God he found my results interesting.

At the end of the meeting I discussed with him about my Ph.D dilemma. I still have mixed feeling about what he said: I don't know if he was joking, but he suggested that I should flip a coin, given that is a "marginal decision". My heart just sank. But he kept going on and insisted about reviewing my grades even if I suggested not to: that is how I found out that my results were SO low that they would not even accept me at this university again. I tried to show courage and finally asked why I had failed his course and well, he didn't remember, but he gave me the grade: 43%. I could not take it any longer and I started to cry. He wasn't very cheerful but remarked I could go to something like Bristol, beause top UK universities wouldn't take me. He considers that I got potential but I need guidance and he believes I might not get in in Switzerland. In the end, he suggested I postpone it for a year, go back to Colombia, work for a while (easier said than done, though) and if nothing else comes up go to Switzerland.

Success: After meeting him went to meet Prof. S to give him a present. He was not there, but I found a girl waiting for him too. She had done the MSc a year ago and she failed not one, but two exams. According to the rules at that time, she would have failed the MSc, but with the help of Prof. S. they managed to change the rules, so she could pass: he got a distiction on her dissertation, though. And even is she's a latinamerican, she's now working at the IMF.

I asked her if she regretted having done the MSc, especially after what she went through. But not... on the contrary, she considered it had been the best thing that had ever happened to her. She enphasized that the most important thing was to pass, and that I would eventually see the results. She remarked that whilst a lot of people cannot rise above adverse circumstances this had been a challenge for her and she had succeeded, and she urged me to think that way. When I replied how insecure I felt about my capabilities after the MSc and that I thought I should just settle with university X in Switzerland, she was adamant and said I should forget about it and aim high.

I few weeks ago I read "The old man and the sea" and it struck me how it seemed to fit my current situation. After days of patient waiting and skillful fishing, the old man had been able to catch that giant fish. But after a lot of struggle against the sharks, he returned ashore with just a huge skeleton.

To me, the old man was devastated. To him, all his effort had been in vain, and he returned home, isolated. In the meantime, his fellow fishermen were admiring his skill and were wondering what he had been through just by looking at the skeleton of the fish.

After the exams, especially when I got the results, I felt devastated too; I could not face any of my friends so I just hide in a corner to grieve about my failure. Little by little I have been able to open up and instead of pity, I have received recognition, and remarks how I finally made it to the end with a "pass" despite the fact that this was a tough programme, I was not used to this method, my tough emotional situation...etc. To them my failure is success.

Meeting that girl today gave me hope that I will not only get over this eventually, but I will also be able to look back, rise above the situation and instead of considering this MSc my biggest failure and the worst mistake of my academic life, I will see this as a an opportunity to grow and finally become an adult, I challenge I had managed to master spite of adversity.

*How long will it take me to change my view of the situation?*