Once again my boyfriend and I talked about my reasons to do the Ph.D in Switzerland. And once again my MSc and all that has happened seems to determine my decision to go there, but not in a positive way, he claims. I believe I have finally overcome the depressive stage that I had got into since june, but now the MSc triggers anger and rage: it is just tooo evident by my secondary acknowledgements. Because of this, my bf considers I do not have a clear mind to take this decision and that I am now motivated by my inner feeling of frustration and rage, not by positive feelings of taking a step further in Economics. He thinks I shouldn't have such motivations behind.

To that, I could only reply that I will try to get a clearer mind, but unfortunately the decision has to be made soon- whatever the way I feel- and that I would have to deal with the consequences. I just hope that by the first of november, if I decide to take the Ph.D, I will have peace of mind to effectively deal with them.

For many years, my priority has been my studies and my career: being "the best" was my main incentive. Coming to England to do an MSc was my biggest dream and I achieved it. Through this year,  my motivation was still there but with the exams all my internal contradictions erupted: I had been trying to keep them quiet for a year, but after all I went through, I was no longer able to hold them... these contradictions ran me over and it hurt because if proved me how vacuous my dream had been, how a dream could turn into a nightmare, how egotistic my motivations had been.

Somehow I feel empty, because my original driving force is no longer there. I don't even know what really stimulates me are now, to be honest.  I just feel that trying to be successful is not everything in life: going to a top university in the States... well, that is no longer my idea of happiness, as it once was. Sometimes I think I've done enough, I achieved my dream and now I can just be;  it might be the time to slow down and enjoy a bit more and focus in other parts of my life, for example my emotional life, with him. To that he replied that he would not be able to bear the fact that I'd turned down such an opportunity for him, for us. Especially if we break up, he thinks we would both regret not having done the Ph.D.

*What is a legitimate inner motivation for pursuing (or not pursuing) a Ph.D?*

 I  hope I'll be able to come up with an answer soon...

Mucho autoanálisis da dolor de cabeza.

Nunca hay una justificación legítima. Principalmente porque lo legítimo tiene que ver con tantos millones de cosas, con el paso del tiempo, con convenciones que no se mantiene quietas, con cosas seguras que puede no serlo realmente... No busques una razón o un conjunto de razones. A veces todo esto puede ser cambiado tan sólo por una añoranza, por el arrebato de un "¿qué hubiera pasado si...?" Si buscas lo legítimo es posible que no encuentres nada.

Dolor de cabeza, manos sudorosas, vacio en el estomago y sutiles punzadas en el corazon, entre otros sintomas.

Estoy de acuerdo en que puede que no encuentre nada, pero creo que tengo que tener buenas razones para cuando esas añoranzas me envuelvan tenga algo racional a lo que aferrarme. Como todo en la vida, esta decision implica sacrificios y necesito tener elementos para enfrentarlos...

Mira los pros y contras, cuando no hacemos algo despues nos arrepentimos and there it goes the what if.....espero que eso no te pase, find your positive and good emotions to pursue your dreams, let your mind and heart come together to make a right decision!:)

Mucha racionalidad da mareo.

Hello Leda, thank you for your recent comment on my site. I suppose the style is evolvoing and changing (most of the time). I did consider closing the blog a while ago; it was simply becoming difficult to post - so what would've been the point if you see what I mean?

Your current dilema seems very difficult. It's not easy having your emotoins/instincts and "sensible" self battling it out. What would make you the most happy? That would be my way of looking at it, I suppose. Although, of course I realise, it's never that easy. Good Luck. :)

Ok, I'm now going to show that in fact I can post in the "proper" location, providing something that can be read in a reasonable fashion without having to go backwards to do so. Sorry, VERY sorry for the mess I created here.

Stopped by to say hi!A legitimate motivation for a Ph.D is to do research in the field you're in. Or if that extra degree will give you some sort of cachet in something you want to do. Bottom line, as I see it, it should be either because you love what you do and you want to be VERY involved in it, or it's a ticket to something else you think you'll love doing. Otherwise it's intellectual masturbation at a very high level and an awful lot of aggravation and expense.As for this: "To that he replied that he would not be able to bear the fact that I'd turned down such an opportunity for him, for us."Frankly I think you need to be thinking about a new boyfriend. If you decided to do this it's what you want to do for YOU, not him. And if he's a willing partner in life with you to whatever extent that such a decision would be mutual, then he should be supportive of your decision for the reasons you provide for yourself. This isn't about him, it's about you, and if you feel that it's time to back off a bit, do something else, collect yourself, and be with the person a bit more who's in your life right now, that's totally legitimate. Alas, it would seem that he's not interested in that option for himself as it's beyond me to understand why he'd object to your making that decision for you if that, indeed, is what you think is the right thing to do.I may be off base on this one, but that's my reaction to "...I can't let you make a decision like that for me or us", when the decision being discussed is about you, not him or the two of you --- he doesn't seem to want to be a part of the equation, in a manner of speaking. That said, taking a break, in general, is not a bad thing to do to re-charge batteries and to re-align perspectives.
:-?:-?

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